Dilbert vs Batman
by kimchiunicorn
Summary: Fight for your right to have stupid office problems


Dilbert was working in his office one day when he noticed an interesting green glow around his pen. "Huh, how mysterious," he thought. While writing with the pen, he accidently poked himself with it and noticed that his dick grew an enormous length. It was huge, like a sea serpant. "Huh, I get it, it must be a radioactive Pen… that makes your Pen-is grows larger! I should use this to challenge batman!"

Dilbert went ot batman's house and batman saw dilbert's cock out and batman got wicked pissed.

Batman: Hey, you ugly fucktard – put your stupid penis in your stupid pants, you thoroughly unpleasant rouge! Also, I'll call the police.

Dilbert: Fight me, you pussy! Or should I say…. Pus-man! Ooooooooh!

Batman got like, really pissed at being alled Pus-man because that is not his name his name is batman after bats. So he ran towards him and Dilbert got his giant cock, swung it like a lasso and got it around Batman's neck. "Hah, take that Pus-man!" He started strangling batman with his cock and Batman had trouble breathing so he gagged (haha, "gagged)

Finding a little bit ofbreath, batman yelled "tag-out!" Suddenly, spiderman came and punched dilbert in his regular-sized balls. Dilbert keeled over and coughed maybe his liver. Spiderman and Batman made a bunch of jerk-off motions at Dilbert and called him bad names.

Spiderman webbed himself around the batcave and made jokes. "Wow, Dilbert, I never knew you were such a …. Jerkoff." Batman smiled and said, "wow, that was a pun, and it was something, and you're the greatest!" Spiderman smiled and said "thanks." Spiderman hung himself upside down with his web and lowered himself nearer to the ground, where he and Batman kissed on the lips while spiderman was upside down.

After a long summer in Tuscany, Spiderman finds himself at Batman's house, invited out of the blue to drink pop and play Mario kart.

Batman: Spiderman, these last few months with you. They've been – They've been so special. I love you. I want you to know that. I want everyone to know that.

Spiderman: Bruce, I -

Batman: No more words. Only say "I do."

Batman reaches into his utility belt and produces a diamond ring. Four-karat princess-cut.

They later decide to have their wedding at the fortress of Solitude. They could do it there since Superman was their friend and he doesn't care about homosexual super heros. And also green laturn and wonder woman and the flash and Bane and Poison Ivy was there. They had a magnificent wedding near the Artic seas and all the guest put on their best wedding parkas since wearing a dress and/or uniform would have been to cold. SPiderman and Batman was at the alter… everyone was confused. Where was the priest to conduct that marriage?  
Suddenly, a great splash emerged from the sea! Aquaman jumped up from the water, dressed in the most magnificent black priest robes the seas have ever seen! As he landed at the alter, he did three flips in the air as dolphins jumped up and flipped with him. A chorus of seals popped their heads out of the water and barked, "here comes the bride." Everybody cried because they were so touched.

The ceremony ends as Batman and Spiderman exchange vows and kiss. "I will love you forever," whispers Batman. "I know," whispers Spiderman back.

Weeks of bliss filled with nights of passion give way to the hum-drum of everyday life. It's hard to admit, but the fire is dying. Batman asks to speak with Spiderman in his study. He insists that it's urgent.

Batman: Spiderman – Peter. I need to tell you something.

Spiderman: You don't love me anymore.

Batman: Am I that transparent?

Spiderman: I can't say I didn't see this coming. I haven't felt anything for you either. Not these days.

Batman: What do we do? Do we just… Dammit, Spiderman, I said I'd love you forever! I said fucking forever! What happened to us?

Spiderman: I don't know. But I don't think there's an us anymore.

Batman: What about Tuscany, Peter? I loved you then! What kind of… what kind of love is that?

Spiderman: It wasn't love, Bruce! It was passion! We're not teenagers anymore; we can admit that.

Batman: Dammit, Spiderman… what about the kids?

Spiderman: …if you want, you can take custody of BatSpider… I've gotta take care of myself.

Batman: That's what you're good at, isn't it? Suddenly, I know why I don't love you anymore.

Spiderman: …. What? Why? Tell me?

Batman: Because… you're cold. Colder than the mask behind Mr. Freeze's fishbowl helmet. It started when you refused to take my last name and called yourself "Spiderman" instead of "Spider Wayne." It was a public embarrassment for me…. and you're always leaving the toilet seat up with all of this web that's all over the place…. What do you use the web for? For jerking off? Is the space between my hard, sleek body armor not pleasurable enough for you? You don't even look me anymore when we make love!

Spiderman: I don't have to explain myself to you. This conversation, this whole relationship. I'm done.

Spiderman leaves in a huff. Batman pretends he doesn't care and goes back to his crime lab to figure out crimes in Gotham City. He doesn't come out for awhile… however.

Batman stays in his crime lab for four weeks. He is a complete wreck. There are pizza boxes all over the floor and his face grew a very long beard. Alfred came in with a cup of lemonade. "Batman, I am here with your lemonade – which also has vodka in it because you are depressed. Batman, I think you need to have a rest… the Zzazzz case can take a short rest."

"No," Batman grumbled. "I… must… stop… Penguin… jokerguy."

"Batman… take a rest. You haven't slept for four weeks…. You need a rest."

"No… no… leave Alfred."

Alfred sighs then leaves. Batman is alone in the crime lab, visibly stressed out. He cannot think straight. Suddenly, he noticed a tiny string floating in the air…. He looks at it closely, then looks up towards the ceiling where it came from… it led to a web, and suddenly batman realized there were webs all over the ceiling. Suddenly, tears come from Batman's eyes. He realized now… he wasn't obsessed with solving his cases… he was trying to forget his love – his true love Spiderman. Batman cried aloud in pain and decided to give up dectective work forever. Instead he decided to join the much easier profession of mail delivery. It was simple job that could make him forget….


End file.
